4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
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I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”