I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
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Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no