HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
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A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
the world’s most popular steaming services
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
what is cheese if not milk persevering
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
the short answer to this question
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.