It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
You Might Also Like
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Bartenders are just boneless bars
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy