employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
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Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.