When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
You Might Also Like
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.