My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
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(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.