[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
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I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
🤭😂
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.