If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
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[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.