“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
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The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Facebook memories be like
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic