Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
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How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?