[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
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But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.