2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
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Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.