My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
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“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket