Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
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the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I falcon love using swear birds
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”