the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
You Might Also Like
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.