I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
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*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence