Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
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Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.