A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
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My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
What do you hear?
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.