Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
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The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
is this meant to deter me
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Omg 🤣
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.