BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
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My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off