Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
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Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.