Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
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First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat