Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
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i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for