Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
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Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!