‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
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my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no