Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
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In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no