LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
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wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.