Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
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me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
welp
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
gentlemen, hear me out
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
why does this building look like a guilty dog
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming