me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
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How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
BRAKING NEWS!!
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN