So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
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I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
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Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Catercrombie & Fish
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
some cats are just doing for fun!
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
inside you are two wolves
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits