Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
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My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.