Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
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Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
This is a true ally.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!