Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
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Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep