excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
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Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Lmfao