“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
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I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I only treason on days ending in y
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.