“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
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I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.