
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!