@ThugRaccoons

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

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@DrDogMD

PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress

@dyldonot

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

@theaaronone

“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”

*makes her laugh*

“Not you.”

@ShortSleeveSuit

[watching The Silence of the Lambs]

Me: Hear that?

Her: No

Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs

@kuusela34

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

@MacAnnabella

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

@BumbleDC

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

@

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.