I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
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Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”