Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
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Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame