dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
You Might Also Like
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this