*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
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I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Every work meeting this week
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Body by Oreos
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
i smell a pulitzer
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up