M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
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Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond