With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
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I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
oh you wanna fight?!
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!