Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
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twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Ape together strong
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder