Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
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*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of