[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
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“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.