I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
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[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I’m not alone. I have ants.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
stop
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
A woman drives into a bar.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult