[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
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I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”