for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
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My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.