Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
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I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
May your day taste like creamy soup.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500