Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
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