@1Happytwit

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

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@trevso_electric

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

@vladchoc

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

@iAmDelFreaky

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

@IMBeanz

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

@noog

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

@Cheeseboy22

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

@deadndreaming

God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)