Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

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My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.


Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.


When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”


When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.


So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.


Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)


God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)