Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”