Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
who called it a toilet and not an IP address